I am adopted.
My mom and dad tried for years to get pregnant. They saw fertility specialists and had test after test done. But could never figure out why they were infertile. They did foster care and just KNEW they wanted to be parents. My mom remembers praying all the time that God would somehow make her a mother. They were almost able to adopt several children, but all of the birth parents ended up taking them back. Their hearts were broken several times. They fell in love with the foster children they watched over, and each time they were ripped away at the last second.
My uncle (used to be one of SCs leading OBGYNs) called them on June 22, 1988. "I have a baby for you." My mom remembers exactly where she was and what she was doing. They were on vacation, they packed up and left immediately..  I was born on June 23rd. Less than 24 hours later, they were able to take me "home". They stayed with my uncle who let me come home under his supervision. He knew what it would mean to my mom to have me to herself. The night after they brought me home, my mom put me in a moses basket next to her bed and fell asleep. She told me she remembered reaching for me, just to check if I was real.. She put her hand down and couldnt find me. She was half asleep and thought "I knew it was too good to be true, there's no baby.. It was just a dream" 
6 months old
I am bleeding and screaming in pain. She rushes me to the local hospital. She said it was her mothers intuition. She KNEW something was horribly wrong. My dad meets her there, but insists she's over reacting.. After a few tests they Dr says nothings wrong. I continue to bleed and my abdomen is swollen. They fought to have me transferred to a bigger hospital. I arrive at Richland and 1 hour later, I am having emergency surgery and my intestines rupture on the table. 7 hours later they wheel me into the PICU and tell my mom I would probably not make it through the night. My insides had literally rotted. They call in a pastor and tell her to call family. I made it... I "failed" a few more times but recovered.. She never left my side.  I cannot imagine what my mom was going through. 
My mom tells me about the prayer she prayed the night I was supposed to die. "Lord, if this is your will.. so be it.. You can have her back.. I will let her go if that's what you want me to do. All I can do is be thankful for the time you have given me as her mother."
Again, I can't imagine. 
3 years old
I prayed and prayed and prayed for a sister. My parents said I prayed every night for about a year.
They were too afraid to tell me that I would never have one. A repeat adoption is kinda rare.. Especially back then.. My mom was 40 and my dad 39.. The chances weren't good. They didn't want to break my heart though. I wanted a sister more than anything in the world. Every holiday that I was asked "what do you want?" my reply was "a baby sister."
They knew it most likely wouldn't happen though. She tells me "I felt extremely lucky just to have you.. I knew I wouldn't be that lucky again."
November 7th, 1991. 
My uncle called ... "I have a baby for you."
My parents didn't tell me. They took me to my aunts & uncles and dropped me off. I remember my mom telling me she had to go to the Dentist.. idk..
They came back with my sister a few days later. 
I held up my arms. "Thank you Mommy, Thank you Daddy, Thank you God."
A few weeks later, they got one of the worst phone calls an adoptive parent could get. "The birth-mother wants her back." (She was a drunk, drug addicted mess and still is)
They went to court, fought as hard as possible and won.

My mom's road to becoming a mother was as bumpy as it could be. She is the strongest person I know. 
When I was struggling with infertility and loss, SHE was my inspiration.
When people ask me if I'm sad that I'm adopted, my answer is NO. 
I have the best mom anybody could ask for.  
She is the only person I know without hate in her heart.
She has always put herself after her children, and I KNOW my mother loves me more than life. 
I am BLESSED. 


 

This pictures sits on the window in my kitchen. Every morning I see it. It reminds me of the mom I want to be for Kadyn. When I am about to explode and think I can't handle any more, it gets me through. My mom is an amazing woman. 

She wasn't able to be there for Kadyns birth. She had been awake for over 24 hours and still made the 10 hour trip to VA.

My mom and sister. 

I know yall are probably curious about my birth mother.
Here is a picture of her.
 

*ugh*

 

I take out a hershey bar, break off one little piece and hand it to Kadyn.
She takes it and looks at me like "Thats it?"
I say - "You can have one more after you eat that one."
She then shoves the whole thing in her mouth and reaches up.

Kadyns favorite words lately - "I dont" .. "No" .. "I do" ... "Thank you"
Earlier, I was extremely frustrated..
I say "Kadyn, where have you hidden all of your cups?!"
Kadyn *stomps foot*
"I DON'T KNOW!!!"
 Im pretty sure she didn't mean to put all of those words together, but still.. funny.

I take Charlie out to pee.
Kadyn follows..
Charlie lifts his leg and pees on a tree.
Kadyn walks up behind him and lifts her leg.. Every time she sees him she lifts her leg..

Kadyn is in love with "Thank  you"
She'll hand us something .. "Thank youuuu"
(Her version - "Tan Do")
Josh keeps trying to explain to her how "Youre welcome" and "Thank you" work..
I just think its funny.

At the store
She gets so mad if she can't help me put things on the register thingy.
The cashier - "She is so cute!"
Kadyn - "Tann doo"
*continues to put stuff up there*
(I usually hand her paper towels or something easy)


Lately, when I pick her up to change her diaper she says "NOOOOOO" while putting her head down. Its cute but kinda pathetic looking.
Throughout the whole diaper change shes saying "uh oh.. uh oh... "


We were at gymboree and I held up an outfit. "Kadyn do you like this?"
"no!"
I let her walk around and I asked again.. "NO!"
I put in on the shelf, picked it up again, and asked again.. "What about this? It looks nothing like that other one"
Kadyn "Mmmhmmm" and she grabbed it. 

I love my silly girl. 

 

Well that was interesting.
At about 6:00pm I was cleaning out my front entry way closet.
There was a punch bowl and some teacups in there. I had one of the teacups in my hand. Kadyn walks up and yanks it out of my hand.. It falls on the floor and shatters.
I immediately grabbed her up and checked her. She had a tiny scrape on her thigh. I go to carry her away from the glass and fix her scrape..
... I feel a horrible sharp pain in my foot.
I freeze.. "DID I REALLY FREAKING DO THAT?!"
A wave of nausea hit me .. I sat down and pulled about a 1 inch long (not tall) piece of glass out of my foot. It then started to pour blood.
I grabbed a bib that was sitting next to me and held it on there for about 15 minutes. It stopped... I started to hobble around and thought "Fixed! It'll be fine."
Then I feel something sticky on my foot.. I look down and my foot is covered in blood again!
I go about trying to get it to stop. It would stop for a few minutes then start right back up.
I called somebody I know who is an LPN. She said I needed to get it checked out.. I might need stitches.
I called my dad.. He came down since Josh was at school. I text Josh and he left class immediately even though I told him he didn't have to. He watched Kadyn for me and my dad drove me to urgent care.  
Signed in.. called back in like 10 minutes.
Dr comes in and looks at it.. Feels around.. FREAKING HURT LIKE CRAZY. He looked at my chart and goes "You have some serious stomach problems. Where did you have your procedures done?" Me - "About 10 minutes from here." .. I told him the name of the Dr.. "He still works there you know. I'm sure he'd love to hear from you. I think he'd like to know you were still alive and kickin'" .. That man saved my life sooo of course I will be looking him up soon. 
Anyways
He had a nurse come in and irrigate it. She said a little bit of glass came out. She soaked my foot in betadine and we waited. Dr came in and said he wanted to have an x-ray done to see if all of the glass was out.. asked me when my last tetanus shot was.  Me - "uhhh 2002..." Him - "You're getting another one tonight then."
I was taken back into x-ray and they took 4 pictures.
Took me back to my room.
Another nurse came in and gave me the shot. He said "Your arm might feel like you got punched by a professional boxer for the next few days.. sorry.."
Dr comes in.. Looks at me kinda funny..."Glass is all out. But let me ask you something.. Does your foot hurt? around the third toe?" 
Me -*thinks he's psychic* "... yeeessss... " *strange look*
Him - "Well it should."
Me - "Why?"
Him - "Its broken."
Me - "oh... is it?!"
Him - "Yea, but its healing alright.. not much we can do for toes."
Me - "ooooooooooooooooook"

He gave me some antibiotics for the next few days and I'm supposed to stay off of it. 
The nurse came back in and squished this stuff on it and pushed it together. It actually stayed together so I'm guessing she glued me together? lol
She bandaged it up and I got to go home.

Interesting night.

 

Today was a good day.
Took Kadyn shopping.

Got her a few outfits and replaced her stroller.
We had a cheapo umbrella stroller. It was one of those "oh crap.. we need a stroller today and we're an hour from home" kinda things.
&& we had an Eddie Bauer one that my mom found at a yard sale. 
Crappy.

I figured since I've been walking more. We could use a new one. The old ones were just distractions. The EB one would lock up every few feet and the wheels were crap.. The umbrella one is WAY too short for me. My back hurt within 10 minutes of using it b/c I was having to lean down a little.

We found
 
For $40
The problem with it? Two small rips in the part behind the seat. Seriously? I can sew those up in just a few minutes!
Its a $150 stroller normally! 
Kadyn loves it. The EB one wouldn't let her sit up all the way.. It was permanently reclining. This one can recline too. It'll work until she's 50 lbs and can also be used with a newborn. (Just in case) 
WE LOVE IT!
We went on a 30 minute walk when we got home.


Got her some leg warmers! SO CUTE!

My favorite thing from today. Its a 2T so its a little too big for her right now but I'm sure it won't be for long.
$3.50!!

I have been feeling guilty.
I know I talk about this a lot, and its probably getting annoying.

Last night at dinner Josh made a commented towards our loss.
I said "You need to get past it."
Him - "You aren't"
Me - "No, I am.. You can remember but let go."
Him - "You haven't"
Me - "Yes I have, I have accepted it. I don't hurt any more."
Him - "Oh."

I feel guilty for saying that. I do hurt, but not all the time. Its not something I'm dwelling on. I will NEVER forget our first baby. I know I will see him again (for the millionth time, just in case.. We do know it was a "him" b/c of the genetic testing they did) I haven't let go of the memory, but I have let go of the pain. I have let go of the anger and the sadness. I still cry from time to time when I see something that reminds me of our angel. There is still a sting that strikes my heart.. Its not controlling me any more though. 

I still have dreams about it. 
Please don't think I'm crazy.. 
The other day I had a dream that I was walking down a hallway and I was afraid for some reason. I remember feeling panicked. I was lost.. but a tiny light came and showed me where to go. He told me his name was Hudson *idk* and that he'd always tell me where I should go if I got lost. It was a VERY strange dream.. But I woke up smiling. Why can't something like that happen to Josh?

I wish Josh could let go of the anger.
He struggles with it, but won't open up enough for me to help him.
He's the type that holds in all of his emotions. He takes out that frustration on those around him.
I've suggested counseling, even said I would go with him. I want to help him more than anything.

I think he doesn't want more children b/c he thinks we might lose another one. I asked him last night if that was it. He just changed the subject. Its still controlling him.

He thinks that baby was taken away from him.. Like somebody stole it... Ripped it away from him.. 
I feel it was a gift. We never thought we could have children. I had struggled with infertility for so long and was sick.. In my heart I knew it wouldn't happen. I wanted to be a mom more than anything.. But I had accepted that it probably wouldn't happen for me.
Getting pregnant with my angel gave me hope. He also paved the way for Kadyn. If we wouldn't have lost him, we wouldn't have found out about my clotting disorder and we wouldn't have Kadyn today. 
I have tried so hard to make him see that. 
I have heard men grieve in totally different ways, but I never believed it. 
I would do anything for him. This is something I can't do for him though. I feel helpless and frustrated.